Lies, Conspiracies, Truths and Damn Dirty Lies

In This Month’s Edition:
Hello Kitty is Revealed in all her Satanic Glory


William Norton

Hello Kitty is evil. Haven’t you heard? Yeah, the truth behind the cute little ears… actually devil’s horns. And why exactly doesn’t she have a mouth? It’s all a little mysterious and there are quite a few conspiracy theories out there that talk about Hello Kitty and her evil origins.

hello kitty hell

Lets set one lie straight right off. Her name isn’t actually ‘Hello Kitty’. Her name is ‘Kitty White’. The first item she was put on had her face on a change purse and underneath it said, ‘Hello’. She made her debut in the early 70’s’ in Japan at the start of the ‘cutesy’ phase. All the youths, but especially the girls were into ‘cute’ then. It was a new and disturbing trend for the adults who were steeped in tradition and ranted about ‘kids these days’. Their disapproval of such cute items did nothing to stop Kitty White transform in the ubiquitous cat we see today.

hello kitty5

The girls would make little ‘baby talk’ languages and they began the little school girl look that developed into the full blown hot to trot Sailor Moon and all the other ‘adorbs’ as my girlfriend used to call them that are usually made by Sanrio and almost always originate in Japan.

Hello Kitty’s popularity was a bit more intense than the other cutesies of the era and this has given rise to several origin stories.

The first and most common origin story is that the first Hello Kitty was made by a woman (or in some variations a couple) whose only daughter was dying of cancer. The woman tried everything to heal her daughter. She prayed to every god and goddess, she did ‘all the things’ like acupuncture, diet… whatever they said might work she tried. She was a desperate lady and it’s usually the desperate ones who resort to desperate measures.

What did she turn to? What any sane mother would turn to: Satanism. Here is where the stories can get colorful but the bottom line was that Satan wanted children to worship an idol of him and so he helped the mother to design the perfect likeness of him (I guess he wears a bow) and promoted the hell out of Hello Kitty.

This rumor is ‘proven’ by the assurances of whoever is telling you the story that ‘Kitty’ is Chinese for ‘Satan’.

lucifer hell

(“Could everyone stop calling me ‘Kitty’? I prefer ‘Cate’ or Catherine or the traditional

‘Lord of Hell and Darkness’)


“Hello Satan! Oh, Hello Satan is soooo Cute! I want the Hello Satan toaster!!!”

That’s not true even a little bit. I mean, maybe I’d still be with my girlfriend if I had bought her the toaster so I probably should have wanted it. The part that isn’t true is that Kitty=Satan in Chinese. It’s just not true. Another fact to shock and delight the audience of the story teller.

None of this story is true. The only thing that is true about this story is that there is a Hello Kitty toaster and that even I have to admit, it’s cute.

hello kitty hell2

This is cute ^^

The idea that Hello Kitty is a satanic totem doesn’t stand up very well. She doesn’t have the fangs (or even a mouth). Her ears look like, well, cat ears and her blank stare is less than diabolical. Even after this story is disproved there is another one that comes up. This one is more sad and slightly closer to the truth.

Why doesn’t Hello Kitty have a mouth?

The story says that Hello Kitty was made by a little girl who barely survived her childhood because her abuse was so bad. She made the kitty without a mouth as a way to let everyone know that she could never talk about the abuse she had suffered.

This story also is not true. The cutesy phase in Japan brought about more than just Hello Kitty without a mouth. The Japanese are a retiring race of people who tend to keep their emotions bottled up inside. The mouthless stuffed animals were made so that the child (or adult) who had them could project any emotions they wanted on their stuffed animals. It was instant empathy.

“How are you feeling today?”

“I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? Your kitty looks a little sad. Is your kitty sad?” Child nods, “Are you sad too?” Child nods again.

hello kitty hmm hell

Hello Kitty is in whatever mood you’re in when you look at her thanks to her blankness and I think that especially for abused children this could be very soothing.

There are a few other rumors that seem more like rumors than even stories. One story says that Hello Kitty was made as a way to charm people into liking a controversial nuclear agency but I haven’t been able to find what that company might be or any records of her ever representing nukes.

hello kitty hell4

The other one is the one true rumor about the cat, Japan went through a brief stint where police and military were forced to wear a pink Hello Kitty armband as punishment for minor infractions. Perhaps the armbands were more popular than they had hoped. Whatever the case, it was a short lived punishment and other things are used instead. What those other things are I wasn’t able to find out, but I think I would prefer the Hello Kitty armband in any case.

hello kitty ninja hell